Laugh at the Sky

Last year, I read an old folktale to my students. The Reader’s Digest version is this:

    An old man and his wife lay in bed night after night, unable to sleep.  A branch had grown too long on a tree by their bedroom. Every time the wind blew there was a horrible scratching noise as the limb would scrape against the window. They went to the village elder to ask his advice.  Oddly, he advised, “Bring the chickens into the house.”  The couple was not about to question him, and did as he prescribed. When the solution was not forthcoming, they kept returning for more advice. “Bring the pigs into the house.”  “Bring the goats into the house.”  Bring the cows and horses.”  At last, the old couple started to lose faith, and went to him and complained, “We did as you asked, but we still can’t sleep.”  The old man shrugged and told them, “ OK, go home and let all the animals out.”  The old couple went home and did as he instructed once more.  That night, they lay in bed and marveled at the quiet stillness of their house.  They barely noticed the scratching of the tree limb as they drifted off to sleep. 

Two weekends ago we brought the Pugs to Aunt Sandy’s.  Mind you, in the realm of dogdom, these two were completely inoffensive. They were more like furniture with fur. But somehow, having them in the house transformed Evan.  On a normal day, Evan channels a blend of ancient warriors and cartoon characters. Evan-on-Pugs is like Little Rabbit Foo-Foo. 

The Pugs were not amused. They cowered in a corner.  One tried to make a break for it and leapt through a missing picket in my fence – no small feat for a geriatric obese animal not known for athleticism.  One backed out of its harness upon seeing the boys disembark from the school bus and hurled his fat little body into oncoming traffic.   Evan took none of this personally.  Every night after school, Evan would run, laughing maniacally, through the house scooping up Pugs.  In his mind, it was a great game. The Pugs were horrified.  Evan loved it so much he would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night and go Pug-hunting.  I was exhausted. 

Then, Aunt Sandy came to the rescue.  The Pugs have retired to Jacksonville. Ben and Evan seamlessly resumed our life before dogs.  The remarkable side effect is that pre-Pug behavior that I found challenging now seems Absolutely Minor.  It’s a little like hitting your head with a hammer to make you forget a pain in your toe.  If you are struggling with any difficulties that seem unsolvable, I highly recommend it. 

Of course, the other force at work here is that Evan is actually improving on many levels.  We have reached the 8^th month of being a family, and I marvel at the progress Evan has made.  When I first met Evan, he was a surly, somewhat feral child with no formal system of communication.   I watched in dismay as my new son deliberately stuck his foot out to trip strangers in the Zhengzhou airport.  When he was mad at me -which was all the time - he would grunt, jab his finger in the air, and sometimes hit me.  He bore no resemblance to any 6 year old I knew.  He had the confidence of someone much older. He was not genuinely affectionate.  He did not cry. 

 He was all mine.

 And I was terrified.  

Evan is like a huge toddler, now.  If I am working or sitting on the couch, he wants to sit on my lap.  This morning, Evan crawled into my arms and wanted me to rock him like a baby.  He is my 64 pound baby boy.   He gives me kisses and tight hugs that feel like love instead of an attempt to strangle me. 

Evan cries now.  Normal, bottom lip-out pouty tears.  His eyes well up.  He is turning back into a little boy again. 

Evan laughs….giggles…smiles with twinkling eyes…and not because he is up to something!  (At least not all the time!) 

His personality is coming through in 3-D Technicolor.  He can be very funny and loves to be the center of attention.  I would not be at all surprised if he ended up on the stage some day.  Evan loves performing, dancing, and music.  Some evenings, he treats me to dramatic presentations which usually involve him playing a warrior. 

Evan can be very sensitive and caring at times.  Last week, we were in the food court in the Mall and I purchased food for the boys.  I didn’t buy three meals because I knew there would be plenty for me, too.  When we sat down, Evan noticed I did not have a Styrofoam box. He slid his chair closer to me and positioned his meal between us.  He glanced at me and gestured, “Eat.” 

One of the most impressive areas of progress has been communication.  Evan had no words.  Evan presumably lip-read in Mandarin, had no exposure to English, and had no sign language.  He has spent a little over six months in Kindergarten now.  He is in a regular-ed classroom, but gets pulled out by a deaf-ed teacher. He also has the assistance of a full time interpreter.  With their help and persistence, Evan now knows all of his upper and lower case letters.  He also has surpassed my meager signing vocabulary and has me struggling to keep up!  Evan is also reading now.  Really reading!  He comes home with sight word books every week and can read/sign all the words to me.  All of Evan’s teachers have confirmed what I knew from the beginning: Evan is one smart little guy. 

I don’t want to sugar coat.   I think the number one fear most people have about adoption is that you will bring home Rosemary’s Baby.  You could invite a child into your family that will make you sleep with one eye open and hide all the lighters.  The truth is that all children, even biological ones, are a crap shoot.   Open the newspaper on any given day. You will see stories about children who fell from their resident parent’s wombs and did not turn out as hoped. 

Evan can still be exasperating and I have to stay on my toes!  Evan prefers to learn from experience.  This means “No” sounds like a dare, and he acts on most of his ideas.  I've heard from other parents that this is not necessarily rare. 

Prior to adopting, you are required to go through pre-adoption counseling.  You are told to let go of idyllic fantasies and prepare for a long road ahead.  One piece of advice that I think about often now is that you should not attribute all issues and behaviors to your child’s previous orphan status.  As a teacher, I have observed that every personality you meet as an adult is present in a Kindergarten class room.  People just are who they are.  They don’t change all that much.   Evan has a very strong personality. He is very mischievous.  I doubt he would be a lot different if I raised him from infancy.   If Evan and Ben were colors, Ben would be a soft, calming light blue, and Evan would be Chili Pepper Red.  Don’t feel sorry for Ben, though.  Somehow, this is just what Ben needed.  Ben is becoming stronger and more assertive.  I could not have drawn that out of him.

As for me, I am doing well.   I've evolved from thinking I was an awesome parent (pre-Evan), to thinking I was a terrible, clueless parent, to thinking lately, “Wow, I might be getting good at this yet!” These past months have taught me that if you aren't doing something uncomfortable, you aren't growing.  This quote from Buddha has special significance to me now: “When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky”

Brothers....

 A few of you may remember, one of the names I considered for Evan (before I met him) was Marlon.  Everyone said it reminded them of a fish instead of Brando.  Coincidentally, this picture was on a wall in a Western restaurant in China this summer.  Evan does have the swagger!

Evan decided to join a performance at Forsyth Park last weekend.