Journey to Evan: Ben's 7th Anniversary

Seven years ago this week, for utterly selflish reasons, I flew across the globe. I had spent the previous eighteen months filling out paper work…medical, financial, immigration and social worker paperwork. I had a photograph of a small boy with a round face and big eyes on my refrigerator. I kissed that picture every day and said, “Mommy is coming.” It felt surreal. Even when I stepped on the largest plane I had ever been on, with a back pack filled with toddler-sized clothes, it did not seem real. I was alone on this adventure of a lifetime. I wasn’t sure that I was sane.

After a couple of brief touring days in Beijing, I boarded a smaller plane to Nanjing. I was happy to leave Beijing because the air pollution kept me continuously nauseous. In Nanjing, my guide Jane (provided in each city by the adoption agency), met me at the airport. She spoke English very well and commented that she almost missed me because I am small and dark, like the Chinese. When she left me at my hotel, she told me to meet her in the lobby the next morning at 9:00 am and we would go and get my new son. Even though I already had the itinerary printed out, and I certainly knew why I was there, hearing Jane say this felt like a surprise – so soon??!! Wow!!

I remember trying to sleep that night thinking, “My life is about to change forever.” I stared at Ben’s picture. I wondered how he would handle all of this. Other families had told me to be prepared: He might be really scared. He might cry for days. It will take time. Certainly, some children made the transition more easily than others.

The next morning, I gathered the documents that Jane had requested, and went to the lobby. I felt electric with excitement. Was this really happening? Was I ready? Jane walked into the lobby. She asked if I had remembered to bring all that she had instructed: documents, money, gifts for the ladies from the orphanage, the orphanage director, and the Civil Affairs officer? Yes, I had it all. We exited the hotel and got into the van. The driver pulled onto the busy, eight lane road.

Jane said, “I think you will meet your new son very soon. He is already there.”

“He is??” I replied, incredulous. It was like I was in the middle of a dream.

“Yes, he left the orphanage very early this morning. It is a long way from Wuxi.”

I took a deep breath. Here we go! The ride to the Civil Affairs office was very short. In minutes, we pulled into the parking lot. Truly, I felt a little dizzy. We walked into the building. There was a large sign indicating that this was the place for adoption and marriage. Jane led the way into a small office to the left. Immediately, I saw him…. A small boy, wearing denim overalls with a dog on the front. He had a yellow long-sleeve shirt underneath, and he was wearing a neon multi color baseball cap. He was wearing small, girls’ shoes with a buckle. He was running around the table, laughing, playing with the Ayi (aunties) from the orphanage.

I stood still staring at him. Upon noticing me, one of the ladies with him stood and took one of his tiny hands. She gently turned him towards me, patted him on the back, and said, “This is your new Mama.”

I looked down at him and smiled. I hesitated to reach out, not wanting to scare him. He was tiny – more like a two year old. Twenty-six pounds.

Zhengzhi (Ben) looked up at me and smiled. He said, “MAMA.”

Tears welled up in my eyes. My heart exploded with a love I had never felt. One thought entered my mind, “Everything I do, for the rest of my life, will be for you.”

I knelt beside him and offered him a little truck I had brought with me. He took it enthusiastically. We played for a few moments. I asked the Ayi questions about his routine. Jane translated for us. I signed papers and we took official photos. Miraculously, Ben did not seem phased by any of this. He smiled and held onto me as if he had just been patiently waiting for me his whole life.

When all the official rigmarole was complete, my guide led us out to the van. Ben was happy and excited to go for a ride. I marveled at this small child who didn’t seem to be afraid at all. To this day, Ben is the happiest kid I have ever met.

We arrived back at the hotel and Jane walked us to my room. I was embarrassed to admit I had no Pull-ups for him. Naively, I had thought at 3 ½ he would be fully trained. Of course, institutionalization comes with delays. She kindly went out and purchased some for me. Then she reiterated his schedule: He will eat, then nap, then early bed time. Then she left us.

I can close my eyes to this day and hear that hotel door closing. I turned and looked at my new son. I would be lying if I said there was not a moment of panic. I am mom. He is mine. Oh, my God, now what do I do with him?? What was I thinking?

Ben looked up at me, smiling. He was still wearing those little girl shoes that looked too small for him. I remembered I had bought him sandals with flashing lights. I went to my suitcase and took them out. I held them up. I tapped the bottoms to make them flash. Ben’s eyes expanded like saucers. He started to shriek, and hopped on one foot, practically hyperventilating. I could not put them on him fast enough.

I cannot describe this moment except to say that I have never in my life witnessed such pure exuberance, excitement and appreciation for anything. I put both of them on his little feet. He ran over to the full length mirror and danced, shrieked, and ran in place for at least five straight minutes. It makes me cry every time I think about this.

Everything was so new to Ben. He received any small gift with the excitement of a lottery winner. It is an indescribable blessing to be a part of this. We are all so spoiled with material goods in the States, from birth, that you really cannot find this here. I only gave Ben a few small gifts in China. You have to be mindful of the airplane baggage requirements. Whenever Ben took a nap or went to bed at night, he had to lay his new belongings, including the shoes, on the bed beside him. He would touch each one, over and over, as he drifted off to sleep.

I would lie on the bed next to him, and he would reach out and touch my face, too. Ben would lovingly touch my hair, my eyelids, my nose and mouth.

Sometimes, even when we were out walking somewhere, Ben would tap me, and say, “Mama.” It wasn’t a question; it was a statement.

“Yes.” I would respond.

“Mama.” Another tap.

“Yes.” I would respond. Ben would repeat this 4 or 5 times.

Then, emphatically: “MY Mama.”

(Yes, I carried tissue with me all over China.)

And so, seven years later, my sweet Ben is 10 years old and heading into the 5^th grade. I have marveled at how life brought us together, from opposite points on the globe. I am ever grateful to his birth mom for making a decision that likely saved his life. Cleft babies do not live long without the necessary surgeries.

In China, there is the Red Thread legend: The two people connected by an invisible red thread are destined to meet, regardless of time, place, or circumstances. This magical cord may stretch or tangle, but never break. It seems that Ben (Zhengzhi) and I, were linked by this mystical red thread.

We did not know it at the time, but that thread was twined around a third person… On June 5^th, 2009, the 3^rd anniversary of the exact day that I signed papers to adopt Ben, hundreds of miles away, in Zhengzhou, a finding ad appeared in a local newspaper.

A finding ad is the mandatory ad the Chinese government posts when a child is abandoned. The ad posts a picture of the child and details of where he or she is found. This is just in case a family member might see the ad and come forth to claim the child. That almost never happens. The child is then remanded to the Social Welfare Institutes – the orphanages.

In the ad, was a sad, lost-looking 3 year old, deaf boy. No one came forth. He entered Xin Xiang Orphanage, where he slowly adjusted and lived for the next 3 years. He was given the name Shi Ke Ran. (This name means “overcame slowly.”) On July 3^rd, 2012, when I met Evan, I was given a copy of that ad. It breaks my heart to look at it.

And so, on this 7^th anniversary week of Ben’s adoption, we celebrate as a family this magical red thread. In one month, we will also be celebrating Evan’s first anniversary. Life is full of wonderful surprises and adventures. You never know what wondrous things may come.