A matter of perspective….

Two-thousand-seventy-three days ago, a baby boy was born most likely in poverty in China.  He appeared perfect in every way.  But as he grew, there were signs that something was not right.  He didn’t turn his head when a door slammed; he didn’t look in the direction of a voice that spoke his name. 

Approximately 1,278 days ago someone ---perhaps hoping for a chance at a better life for her son, perhaps hoping for medical care, perhaps just resigned to the fact that a special-needs son would not be able to support his parents as they aged--- walked away from the 3 year old deaf boy in front of the Civil Affairs Office in Xin Xiang.  He was found by a stranger and turned over to the authorities.  It was determined he was abandoned and he was sent to live in an orphanage; just one of thousands of children who share the same fate in every city in China. 

Roughly 485 days ago, I spotted a picture of a small, shy-looking boy with a very sweet smile on a waiting child list on an adoption agency’s list for China.   I fell in love with him and decided this would be Ben’s little brother.  Ben talked about how he would help because he was certain his little brother would be scared.

Thirty days ago, Ke Ran strutted into the Civil Affairs Office in Zhengzhou and became my son, Evan James Lamb.  Thirty days. That’s less than a Kardashian marriage.

Seven days after that, I explained to Evan we would go on an airplane.  We were flying from Zhengzhou to Guangzhou, China. I thought he would be awe-struck.  I drew a picture of an airplane and pointed to him, my sister Anita, and myself.  Then, I flattened my hand and mimicked the smooth ascent of a plane into the sky.  Evan nodded; he got it!  Then, he copied my ‘plane hand,’ did the take-off, and – watching me for a reaction – tipped his hand over and crashed us all. 

Pictures do not convey a concept of family life.  Somehow in his last days in the orphanage, the Nannies told Evan he would have a Mom.  They showed him the photo album I sent with pictures of his new family.  What is a Mom?  Someone to give me food and toys? That’s good.  Someone to tell me, “No,” all…day…long… What a drag.

Pictures also do not convey the concept of Evan.  The sweet smile is still there, but so is a smirk and sometimes even a sneer!   Evan was probably very good at institutional life.   He is clever, strong and quite smart. This is a great skill set when you live in a place where you are outnumbered and resources are scarce. 

We have been making the rounds since we’ve been back.  We’ve visited friends and family.  I have many moments when I am exasperated with Evan’s behavior.  I hover. I supervise.  I am frazzled.  Always, I am told that Evan is doing very well, considering the short time he has been with me.  He is?  Well, I guess when you look at it that way…

We visited a friend who is pregnant with twins.  She has wanted to be a mother for a long time and I am so happy for her! We took the boys to a park.  We discussed baby names and child rearing.  Like all new Moms, she is worried about being overwhelmed.

“I guess I will take it one day at a time,” she said.  I agreed it is all you can do. 

What works with Evan?  Evan likes T.V. and making things with paper, glue or other craft items.  He likes puzzles.  Evan really likes to rough-house, but he has no ‘off switch.’  Ben and Evan had a light saber battle with glow sticks a couple of nights ago.  It was fun to watch the boys so engaged with each other.  Ben has seldom had the opportunity for this kind of guy-play.   No one got hurt, but as the battle wore on it became clear that Evan’s energy was escalating with no end in sight.  If you have ever had a rambunctious puppy, you can imagine the scene.

Mostly we try to avoid getting too wild. Sometimes it is unavoidable.  Yesterday, we visited my grandmother. Uncle David (my mother’s brother) and Doreen came to meet Evan.  Uncle David has always had as much fun as the kids at Christmas playing with all the toys.  Doreen gave Ben and Evan some wonderful (and practical) clothes.  They also brought a few small toys, including a tiny plastic pool table, fake money, and a gun which shoots nerf-like disks.  I knew where this was going.

Evan and Ben started off shooting a target, supervised by Doreen.  In time, though, Evan was off and running, shooting everyone in the head.  We tried to play Parchesi, but Evan found it boring after a few turns.  He excused himself to count his play money.  Evan loaded the pockets of his cargo shorts with loot and clipped the gold plastic money clip to his shirt.  Then he went back to shooting everyone.  My son – the Gangsta.

When the noise had reached a crescendo and both boys were worked up to a lather, Uncle David and Doreen said their goodbyes to retreat to a much needed vacation on Block Island.   The children slowly deflated, and we headed home also.

Integrating Evan into our family is not all that different from welcoming a new baby.  You can have all of your plans and methods in place, but each child is an individual with his own personality.  There are children who can make you look like a Parenting-Star.  (Thanks, Ben!) Then there are kids who make you feel you are on the low end of the learning curve.  As I remind myself to have patience with Evan, I need to remember to have patience with myself.

We are all slowly releasing our preconceived notions of what our new life would look like. Evan is letting go of his fantasy of family life meaning an endless flood of food and gifts.  He is beginning to grasp that a Mom is a bossy-thing, who also doles out hugs and kisses on the forehead.  Ben is letting go of his fantasy of a small, sweet, scared brother who needs him to lead and protect. I am letting go of any thought that my new son will be a mini-Ben.  Together, we are becoming a family, different than any of us imagined, but still good. 

Brotherly Love... not exactly as Ben imagined....

The Italian-Chinese-American contingent representing Block Island, Rhode Island...Thanks,  Uncle Dave and Doreen!