Bonding, Resilience… and the first Beach Day.

The Evan I met on July 3rd was a surly six-year old.  He would put his hand out in a dismissive, “Talk to the hand” stance and get angry over the smallest things.  I could tell he regarded me as little more than the various women who oversaw his basic needs at the orphanage.  I had to initiate most affection.  In China, I started giving him piggy-back rides as a way, I thought, to foster closeness.  I stopped when it became clear he was taking it as a sign of servitude.  (We visited a museum and Evan would point in the direction he wanted to go. When I didn’t move on his whim, he would attempt to “steer” me, like an animal, turning my shoulders. )

It has been trial and error.  I cannot expect a boy of 6 to instantly appreciate having a Mom and a family when he doesn’t know what that is.   Life was quite different in the orphanage.  Evan bears small, identical scars below both of his shoulders on his chest. I pointed to them and made a “What?” gesture.  Evan held both arms up in right angles, bent at the elbow, palms forward, hands closed, indicating that he was bound somehow.  I have read that it is not uncommon for the children to be bound into bed.  I’m not sure if this is what happened since communication is still an issue.  Still, it breaks my heart to know that whatever they used, it was tight enough to cause scarring.  I wonder if he will carry these marks for the rest of his life.

Evan’s non-verbal explanation was matter of fact.  He did not appear anguished; I’m sure all of the kids were treated the same way.  Evan is becoming an affectionate child.  He clearly adores Ben, and loves to antagonize him – as any good brother would.  He gives me hugs and kisses on a regular basis now and will often choose to curl up beside me on the couch.  Yesterday, we visited my grandmother, Evan’s great grandmother, and he gave her a hug.

Evan, like Ben, adores my mother –Nanei.  We went to take my grandmother’s trash out (you have to go down the elevator and out the front door of the senior building) and Evan thought we were leaving Nanei behind.   He got very upset and kept gesturing back to the apartment.  I tried to explain we were going right back, but he did not understand.  Outside, Evan was just sure we were leaving Nanei.  His chin literally touched his chest and he had a very, very sad face. Evan took baby steps forward.  I had to run and drop the trash and turn him around to go back upstairs before he understood we were going back.  When we got back on the elevator, Evan broke into the biggest smile!!  We were taking Nanei with us! 

Both of my sons fill me with awe.  Both boys were plucked from the only life they knew and dumped into a totally new environment.  I know I could not adapt so well.  As I watch Evan become a loving member of our family, I am also seeing the 6 year-old in him emerge.  Lately, he laughs more than he gets angry.  He loves me to kiss his “boo-boo’s.”  We have discovered he is quite smitten with Snow White. 

Today, Evan will meet his cousins, Jake and Sophie, and my sister – Aunt Peggy.  We are taking Evan to the beach.  He found the pails and shovels on my mother’s indoor porch and is so excited about digging in the sand.  It is going to be a really fun day!

The Cousins….
arrived around 1:00 and we quickly got acquainted and loaded the beach gear into Aunt Peggy’s vehicle.  Off to Newport…… 

As soon as we hit the sand, Evan and Ben started digging.  Although I am certain this is Evan’s first beach visit, my new son has undoubtedly watched a lot of TV.  He packed sand in a bucket and turned it over.  Evan was delighted that the form held.  Ben was busy digging a hole and exclaimed, “I’ve found water!”  This, of course, got Evan more interested in digging holes that building anything else.  As Ben was examining his mini-pond for microscopic life forms, Evan was hastily digging holes. I kept instructing him to not fling the sand over his shoulder, but to turn the shovel over and deposit the dirt next to him.  Evan didn’t seem to think this was an important detail – that is, until two large guys were walking past him and he flung a shovel-full of sand all over them.  They looked down, angry….Evan looked up...uh, oh…. We all held our breath for a second….The young men decided Evan was just a small-fry and Evan decided to stop flinging sand over his back.  A collective exhale. 

The boys decided it was time to hit the water.  After seeing Evan in action at Kim’s pool, I knew I would have to be on his heels.  Cousins’ Jake and Sophie were sweet and allowed the boys to play with a boogie board.  Evan and Ben kept trying to ride one together, seated one behind the other, in the shallow surf.  Naturally, they sunk to the mud and didn’t go anywhere.  Evan decided they needed some help, so he fetched a long red shovel and stood on the back of the board holding the shovel like a paddle.  (Now, I wish I had pictures of all of this, but my camera was back at the chairs and I have to be ready to catch Evan at all times in the water!)   The paddling-idea didn’t help them move, either.  Eventually, they swiped their cousins’ second boogie board and both Ben and Evan got busy trying to ride the waves.  Ben was quickly riding the smaller waves into the shore.  I had to pluck Evan out of the water several times before he figured out he had to lay down flat on the board. 
The rest of the day was great fun.  Cousin Jake meticulously built a wall using one of the sand molds.  Sophie and Jake enjoyed the deeper water and waves.  Ben searched the surf for life forms like the little scientist he is.  At one point, Ben found a small fish that had been bit in half but was still moving.  He ran up to show Nanei and his cousins.  Evan, in an effort to give Ben the full-flavor of having a sibling, snatched it out of his hands, ran to the surf, and threw it back in…much to Ben’s annoyance. 

We finished the day with pizza back at Nanei’s house.  Apparently, Evan took a shine to cousin Sophie because we peeked in the living room to find him with his arm around her shoulder watching cartoons.  (I think Evan’s teacher is going to have me on speed-dial next year.)  I managed to snap a few pictures of the day...enjoy:)